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The First Hurdle. Self-Love.

regain2021 self-acceptance self-confidence self-love self-sabotage self-validation self-value underyourinfluence Jan 01, 2021

What is self-love? What is masculine self-love?

 
Is it having an understanding of the value we place on ourselves as men and therefore having a deeper insight into what our self-value actually is? Is it acknowledging how we as men, self-sabotage and prevent any kind of progressive forward movement? Does self-sabotage therefore need some airtime whilst we meander in and out of our definition of self-love? What about male confidence? What is self-confidence and how do we, as men, cultivate more of it?
 
There are 4 areas of individual growth and they are linked by one common denominator.... the "SELF".
 
So what happens when we strip away the common denominator? We are then left with 4 words that are 100% different in their own right yet we draw parallels through them because of our attachments to the "self"
 

SELF LOVE

SELF VALUE

SELF SABOTAGE

SELF CONFIDENCE

 
So what is self-love? It is the forerunner. It is the leader. It is the governing force of how we excel, how we exist, how we behave, how we experience, how we evolve. It is the view to ourselves first and foremost. If this is tarnished in any way, big or small, we jeopardise our ability to get the best we can out of our lives. Life itself is the most precious gift any of us could ever receive. How are we spending it and more importantly, how can we love ourselves more whilst enjoying the gift of life?
 
The goal is to have deep gratitude about the life we have. The odds of us being alive are rare, so to love ourselves we must start with our own lives. Start with life because we have been granted one and have therefore been granted a purpose which we must have reverence towards.
 
2020 has been awful on so many levels and we truly have no idea if 2021 is going to be any better. The only thing we truly have control over is ourselves, not others, not the year ahead just ourselves. And the best way to regain control of ourselves so that we are primed to face head on whatever 2021 (and beyond) brings us, is by getting on-top of our self-love. This is our weapon but a weapon of love not of destruction.
 
I offer the following points to bare in mind whilst being catapulted into the unknown of 'the new world':
 

Have a vision of yourself and be congruent with that person

That's why we end up hating ourselves. We have a vision towards who we want to be but we don't plan towards actually being that person and therefore don't change the behaviour that is required to bring about change. People see themselves as honest individuals yet they lie all day long. We see ourselves as healthy eaters yet we eat junk food 3 times a day. We see ourselves as opportunity takers yet ignore change when it comes our way. And while these two opposite behaviours happen in parallel the only thing that really does happen is that we end up hating ourselves. But when we can see that we are starting to behave more like the vision of the person we want to be we start to feel better about ourselves and therefore start to love ourselves more. If you want to love yourself be congruent with the best vision of yourself.
 

Give yourself credit

Give yourself credit for the small steps you make every day. These examples are small not big. Just small. They get overlooked and yet they are so powerful when they are drawn upon and therefore the options are endless. Give yourself credit for having a kind heart. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for being mistreated and still having love in your heart. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for choosing to speak your mind when the time is right. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for choosing to say nothing when the time was right. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for walking away and for walking into something and dealing with it in the moment, when appropriate. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for having good thoughts. Men are allowed to do this. Give yourself credit for knowing the difference between right and wrong even though you don't act on it, give yourself credit for that acknowledgement. Men are allowed to do this.
 

Momentum and Integration

Momentum helps us to believe in ourselves beyond what having good self-esteem and confidence can do. In fact, momentum accelerates self-esteem and confidence. Making tactical wins (small ones) each day can also accelerate this. Think about the things you can do tomorrow that will help to gain momentum. Simple wins. Momentum can only be called momentum if it happens daily.

And then Integrate the win and celebrate it. Give yourself permission to celebrate the win no matter how small it is. As men, we just do not give ourselves the respect we deserve to slow down and celebrate our wins. It's just, go, go go. Integrate the win and integrate the moment into your heart and identify yourself as a man that is in the habit of achieving consistently. CREATE AN INTEGRATION PRACTICE! Give yourself dedicated and isolated time weekly (or even daily) and praise yourself for the win and get ready to re-integrate the same behaviour the next day.

 

Get Feedback

Don't get feedback from the wrong people. Ask people that love you because they can give you visibility about the things you can't see for yourself (or perhaps don't want to hear.....). If you get negative feedback over and over then re-assess. Don't take negative critique personally but rather turn insult into challenge.

Overcome the challenge and move onto the next one. This will increase your self-love dramatically and recalibrate your ego.

 

Priming

Being motivated, driven and having a sense of passion can be governed by priming yourself in the morning. Ask yourself every morning what you can do today to be happy and prime those emotions out loud.

Affirmations = Priming!

You are a man and you have a voice. Do not be scared to use it every day. 

Affirmations = Priming!

Affirm to yourself, out loud, every day, who you are and who you want to be. Not what you want to be. 

Affirmations = Priming!

Use your voice and connect with yourself and the universe and prime yourself for the day to come. 

AFFIRMATIONS = PRIMING!

 

Love with Vulnerability

Love is beyond everything and anything. But when we add vulnerability to that we run for the hills. Recognise, as a man, that you are unique and so is your vulnerability. Love the things that make you strong and make you unique. Love others with vulnerability in front of you so that they are grateful for you and give you that feedback. This will elevate your self-love and you will start to believe in yourself again. As men we lose sight of this because we can't step into the place we need to be in order to activate this awareness.

Vulnerability can serve you better than harm you and can lead to creativity and change. Men who lead with their Ego’s block the view to their best projected future. Men who lead with Vulnerability can make a lasting impact on themselves and the world around them.

Stepping into your most vulnerable self will give you a platform to live authentically and most importantly transparently. No more hiding behind hidden agendas of fear, self-loathing, self-hatred and self-judgment, which all end up being projections placed on others anyway.

Vulnerability leads to truthfulness coupled with humility and the power derived from living a life governed by your vulnerability and not your ego, will lead to a transformation that you did not think was possible.

 

Acceptance

Self-acceptance is an innate power that we all have despite how much we kick ourselves daily because of accepting that we are less than what we truly are. This is another weapon of love that we can use in life and when we can invoke acceptance we move beyond any kind of predisposition placed on us by OURSELVES.

Sometimes you have to accept other peoples positions in life without trying to change them. Acceptance is about approval. It's about peace. It is learning to be at peace with what is, even if we don't like it and especially if we can't change it.

The opposite of acceptance is avoidance which in itself has two parts to it. Short term avoidance simply bypasses something that must be dealt with or accepted. Long term avoidance is therefore another way to guarantee pain and suffering. Acceptance is about accepting the process and not hating it. It's about trust and trusting that this too shall pass. Focus and persistence will see us through challenging moments and we must accept that.
 
Acceptance is also about forgiveness. Forgiveness for the things that we did and that others did. This is crucial so that we can finally be free of the moment that is attached to the thing that stops us from forgiving. This is how we invoke self-acceptance.
 

Shift your mindset

Don't tie confidence to image. If we do tie these two together then we lessen our sense of self. When we externalise our confidence we invite pain in. Confidence does not come from losing weight or achieving a specific goal, it comes from the process. The progress through the struggle gives confidence and realising that up front can literally set us free.

Insecurities come from attaching confidence to external things that always change and move. We therefore feel like we never get close enough to that external attachment and therefore lose confidence. Reward yourself on effort, not outcome.

Confidence should be the belief you have in yourself that you can figure this thing out and that you can achieve your goal.

 

Demonstrate more love and validation

Give and you will receive. IT'S HOW THE UNIVERSE WORKS. 

We desire more validation than what we are prepared to give and that is just a hard wiring of our brains. We all have massive signboards or billboards on our heads that say "Please hear me", "Please see me", "Please acknowledge me", "Please understand me", "Please care about what I am saying". And when we don't have this we feel horrible and absolutely useless. It's one of the worst places a man can find himself in.
 
Self-Validation = lack of appreciation.
 
This is true in the work place, in our marriages and relationships and in so many other areas of our lives. But if we can start to validate others beyond the feelings that we have about our own need for validation, we can begin to see the importance of this dynamic within ourselves. Love and validation will be returned to ourselves a hundred fold.
 

The problem with self-perception

Make sure every single day you have a clear picture of who you want to be! Yes, this was mentioned further up but it can't be said enough.

We can't go through each day just reacting to everything . We need to have a clear message to ourselves about what kind of person we want to be and then be that person rather than letting the outcomes of the day define us.
 
Don't ask the world who you are and what you are about if you don't know yourself and don't know what you stand for.
 
"But no one understands me...." Well, thats because you don't understand yourself. Take the time to figure this out and then communicate your discovery with those you love and then the world.

Start with clarity!

Start with defining yourself everyday. Write down who you want to be. Not what, but who!
 
Write down how you want to treat people and then do it. When you do this then integrity starts to kick in. You will become more congruent with who you want to be and will show up more consistently.
 
Learn by discussion and ask people how they perceive you. Ask how you did in terms of performance feedback and ask it consistently. External feedback can help you get better.

Find the people in your life who give good and constructive feedback and ask them for more of it. This behaviour will welcome a recurring system of mentorship and accountability.

CRUCIAL! 

But then you can teach this.

AWESOME!

Use progress checks along the way. Sometimes self-perception is not real because it is not fact checked against progress, real and actual progress.
 
Self-perception should always be coupled with assessment to evaluate where you are vs. where you want to be. If you are not progressing towards your goals then call a spade a spade and admit you are not showing up enough. This will sparkle the necessary action. Ask yourself if you are being a role model and a leader and then check your identity against reality. Become a better communicator and increase your self-perception.
 

Attract more love

If you want more love then put more love out there.

Be open and create white space around you to attract love towards you. Be completely open with this and have faith and trust that it will work.
 
Choose joy first. Always choose joy. Nothing is more attractive than joy. Do not fake joy. Set up habits to create happiness and then bring the joy to each moment of your life.
 
Try to also engage more with people. Don't just go through the motions of conversation when being part of one just to get through it. Contribute. Add meaningful value and receive it in return. Be willing to spend more time with people and enjoy being part of that process. When you are part of something you can contribute to it and receive from it. And when you have this feeling of being symbiotically connected to each moment, your sense of self heads towards the stars and ultimately gives more meaning to your self-love.
 

Overcome doubt and negative beliefs

Doubt comes from a concern of ego and can create a recurring habit of negative beliefs. This alone plays a huge part in fighting against creating a positive view towards your self-love. No good can come from doubt. It holds us back and therefore contradicts the very essence of the blessing that is our lives. At the beginning of this write up there was mention of how our lives are a gift and we should start with giving thanks towards our very existence and honouring it.... But when doubt becomes the foundation that we walk forward with every day, we lose sight of the gifts that we have on a daily basis and we simply cannot move forward.
 
It is unnecessary and it can be stopped.
 
Here are some questions you can ask yourself when you are experiencing this very typical, very usual and very dominating feeling of negative beliefs which creates useless doubt:
  1. Is this thought/worry helpful to my joy and new story?
    If you feel horrible or bad when you hold onto a thought then maybe it's time to let go of that thought. Doubts are either about the old stuff or new stuff. If it's not about your new story then drop it. If it is, then at least you have asked the right question and given the right answer so that appropriate action can be taken.
  2. Will this belief carry me to my desired life?
    You ride to your dreams on your beliefs! You have to dream big so make sure your beliefs are aligned to your dreams. Make sure you know what beliefs are necessary to carry you to your dream. Change the frame from fear to joy and the dream gets that much closer.
  3. Is this belief verifiable and fair?
    It's either real, or it's not. Your internal fears are often not market realities. Know the difference.
  4. Is this situation in my control?
    If not then let it go. Stop worrying about what you can't control. Remember, that "one person" is not called evidence. This is nothing more than a manifestation of ego based concerns.
  5. What judgement can be released now?
    Release the "I'm nots"
    • I'm not capable.....
    • I'm not deserving.....
    • I'm not ready.....
    • I'm not enough......
  6. What would make me a role model NOW?
    Starting something when you are uncertain and going forward despite all the hurt.
    Standing up for what you believe in.
    Taking appropriate action for yourself.
    Showing up with integrity and proceed in doubt. Doubt has no place in our lives! None!
  7. So what's the next right action of integrity?
    The larger the space the bigger the problem. The space = the time it takes to decide on the next right action of integrity. Reduce this gap. Bridge the canyon of despair and indecision and elevate yourself to the next phase of your existence. An existence where you are in control of your own happiness and accountability. 

 

Why not join a group of Men in 2021 and share the growth of your self -love: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/underyourinfluence

 

And if you want to go to a whole new level in life then join a program that will bring new meaning to your life, elevate your intentions and give you a chance to redefine yourself and regain control in 2021: 

https://www.coachtrc.com/underyourinfluence 

 

Download my free ebook called '10 Critical Steps Before Any Personal Development: 

https://www.coachtrc.com/10steps

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